Some men yearn for football season. Others only come alive every four years during the Presidential race. A very select few have real lives, and that's just sad. What makes my heart go pitter-patter? Drag Queens. Lots of them. The road to my heart is paved with them (in a completely harmless, fun way, of course). I look forward to each new season of RuPaul's Drag Race with the anticipation of a child who still believes in Santa Claus counting down the days until Christmas. Well, ol' Saint Ru is working her fabulous ass down that chimney, and she's got 12 presents for all of the little ladies and ladyboys anxiously awaiting her return.
(Author's Note: Please excuse the poor quality gifs. I'm still working out how to create better quality stuff. Any gif-making suggestions would be appreciated!)
In true-Ru fashion, all of the queens make their dramatic entrances at the start of the episode, starting with Pandora Boxx exclaiming, "Did anybody order a hooker!?"
Not me, Pandora, not me. I have a feeling that, even had she not been the first Queen to arrive, her question still would have been met with silence.
Now I'm gonna be saying some pretty cruel things throughout this season, but I'm gonna start with some real talk braught to you by Miss Boxx, "My biggest weakness last time was that I truly didn't believe in myself. This time around it's going to be different because I'm fabulous." This quote really speaks to a lot to why I love Drag Race, and why I feel that so many people can relate to it despite its emphasis on glitz, glamour, and everything fake. There is something very real and very insecure underneath all of that illusion, just like in the LGBTQ community. We're generalized by our good looks, or our work-out habits, or a biting wit. Oftentimes, though, these qualities were developed through years of never feeling adequate due to a part of our lives that we can not control and so many people seem to hate us for. This isn't just an LGBTQ issue, though; it's a human one, and I feel like Drag Race is able to tap in to those emotions while remaining wickedly fun every step of the way.
But, really, we need to get over our insecurities. Isn't that right, Honey Boo Boo?
How do you feel about that, Juju?
Alright, that's enough with this Chicken Soup for the Homo's Soul bullshit.
_______
"I'm waiting to see what bitches lurk behind the door." Give it time, Latrice, 'cause you're gonna have to settle for a steaming plate of crazy, first.
_______
"I'm Yara Sofia. Swallow it." I prefer to spit, thank you.
In the first of what is sure to be a long list of apt critiques, Latrice sums up Yara's look the best, "I don't think you're wearing enough jewelry, bitch."
Yara's response, "I'm Puerto Rico's own Jail Barbie." You know what? I honestly would not be surprised if Yara Sofia's done some hard time.
Would you?
_______
"That bitch has on everything," says Latrice.
"Something subtle for the daytime." says Pandora
Let those ladies hate, Shannel needs none of it, as she is a flaw-free individual.
Flaw. Free.
_______
Serving fierce, Cruella DeVille, puppy-skinning realness.
It looks like Latrice isn't the only one keeping it real:
Yikes. Queens in glass houses shouldn't throw shade, Manila.
_______
So, who's up next?
Enough said. Almost:
"Life is like a paycheck; a generous figure is always nice," says Mimi. If this is your version of generosity, I need a receipt because this shit is getting returned.
I need something refreshing to wash all that stank out.
_______
"I'm Jujubee. I like long walks on the beach, big dicks, and fried chicken."
Sounds like an average Tuesday night, to me.
_______
I feel like "Tootsie Lou!" is probably Tammie Brown's go-to orgasmic exclamation.
Go on, imagine it. I'll give you a few moments.
How do you feel about that, Juju?
_______
Once all of the Queens have made their entrances, there's precious little time to continue talking about sequins, lipstick, and world peace.
In her usual ambiguous rhetoric, Ru reminds all of the girls that they're failures for not winning their previous cycles but, alas!, there is a second chance, quipping, "If at first you don't succeed - become a LEGEND, hunty!"
_______
Hunty: (Huhn-tee) Noun. A combination of the terms "honey" and "cunty," used as an affectionate term amongst Queens to express that though they are friends, they're not afraid to cut a bitch.
_______
The prizes are also announced, most notably the $100,000 cash prize, from which Jujubee excitedly deduces,
"$100,000? That's like 500,000 chicken nuggets!"
Now, I didn't go to no fancy mathin' school, but that equation seems legit.
_______
Ru then alludes to this season's huge twist, "You may think you know how to play this game, but girl, you don't know the half of it." What could it possibly mean? What is this black magic? So cryptic!
The girls are to spend this entire season competing in six teams of two. They will succeed together and fail together. Each week, one team will win the main challenge, and two teams will fall in to the bottom two and have to lip sync for their lives to avoid double-elimination. There are audible gay gasps throughout the line.
How are the teams being decided? Well, in my opinion, it's going to be done in the fairest way possible: the girls are going to choose their own partners... kind of. The Queens are lined up side-by-side, facing forward and each is given a box of 11 paddles featuring the gorgeous mug of one of the other girls. Each girl is told to select the paddle representing their top pick and hold it up without consulting any of the other queens. If there are any matches, they become a team.
Right off the bat, a few queens are blessed by the drag gods and get paired up:
Chad Michaels and Shannel (Team Shad)
Raven and Jujubee (Team Rujubee)
Nina Flowers and Tammie Brown (Team Brown Flowers. Seriously.)
Round Two! FIGHT!!
Yara Sofia and Alexis Mateo (Team Yarlexis)
Latrice Royale and Manila Luzon (Team Latrilla, AKA Team Winning)
And that leaves one very sad queen paired up with a walking, talking expiration date.
Mimi Imfurst and Pandora Boxx (Team Mandora. Ouch.)
This final pairing leads to most of the episode's drama, with Pandora incessantly bitching about being the last Queen picked for the race, to which Mimi quite intelligently (and a little sadly) replies that Pandora wasn't the last picked: Mimi actually picked her. In fact, the only un-picked Queen was Mimi, herself. Any sympathy Mimi might have earned for this situation, though, was quickly vaporized with one completely delusional question:
"Are you unhappy that you're my partner, or do you feel guilty that you didn't pick me?"
_______
Let's get on to this week's main challenge!
The girls are to pose for two photo shoots. In the first, titled "Half-Baked," each team is to pose together in mid-transformation and without wigs.
Manila is not pleased with this.
For the second shoot, "Opposites Attract," each team is challenged to showcase how its two members differ from one another in full drag. The girls are then dismissed and set off to work.
After some time, Ru returns to check in on the progress of his Queens.
Shannel and Chad have some difficulty explaining their convoluted concept, and Ru's reaction should be pretty telling as to how things are going to turn out for them. How many fucks does team Shad give?
Zero. Zero fucks.
Next, Ru checks in on Team Mandora. (Ouch.) Commenting on the fact that the two queens ended up together involuntarily, Ru asks, "Why do you think the universe has paired you together?" Pandora nastily responds, "I'm a glutton for punishment." Mimi looks hurt, despite the fact that Pandora back-pedals and says that it was a joke.
Keepin' it classy, Miss Boxx.
Ru shuts this down immediately with his response, "Fate put you together and you can't turn your nose up at sister fate, so press on."
"With our nails!" exclaims Mimi. Wow, her jokes are just as funny as Pandora's!
Lastly, Ru catches up with Team Latrilla. Alright, really? That is the name of a disease if I ever heard one. It sounds like a painful one, too. I can just imagine having an outbreak of Latrillas all over my... well, you get it. Ru asks the two what drew them to eachother, to which Manilla responds, "I'm so envious of her lovable personality... which I don't have." This is why I love Manila. I can appreciate anyone, no matter how stank, as long as they keep it real.
Also, she's not afraid to read a bitch right to her face. On Latrice's makeup, "...All that banana powder up in her face." In her defense, yeah, it's kind of true.
I pray at the temple of shade, and Manila is my High Priestess.
Latrice, as per usual, takes it like a champ.
_______
Time for the main challenge!
First off, I had no idea that the love of my life and future husband was involved with this shoot!
I'm so proud of you! Dinner's on the stove. <3
What do you think of him, Juju?
Me, too.
Only the Opposites Attract photo shoot was aired and for good reason, as exposure to any more hilarity probably would have resulted in mass seizures across the show's small viewing audience, which would be bad because they need all the viewers they can get. Also, for some reason the photo shoot involved the Queens being pelted with black rain, obviously.
I smell a Pretty Party!
_______
With the main challenge out of the way, it's now time for the Queens to strut down the runway for their judging, at which one team will emerge victorious, and two will be placed in the bottom and have to lip sync for their lives. For their runway walk, the Queens were directed to show off their team spirit.
"I cannot handle being in the bottom."
Right, because Im sure you're so much more accustomed to being on top. (see what I did there?)
Team Yarlexis: Yara Sofia and Alexis Mateo
"Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion... San Juan"
Personally, I thought that this wasn't as polished as it could have been, especially when compared to what's going to be coming down the runway with the next teams. Also, when asked to show off team spirit, it might be wise not to wear outfits with your own face plastered all over them.
Team Latrilla: Latrice Royale and Manila Luzon
"If your palette ain't feelin what I'm cookin, then spit it out bitch."
I get the Teletubby thing, and the iPad strapped around Manila's waist is a clever touch, especially considering that it was shamelessly playing the music video for her single, "Hot Couture." Ultimately, though, I felt that this look was probably manila's idea and benefitted her far more than it did Latrice.
Team Rujubee: Raven and Jujubee
"She got some tittie tassles on, too!"
From start to finish, I was all about this look. They even walked down the runway completely in-step, which I thought was a great touch. On top of showing that they were a team, they looked fucking fantastic.
Team Shad: Shannel and Chad Michaels
"Serving birds of a feather flock together realness."
The judges' mouths dropped open when these two came down the runway, a fact which of course was not lost on either Chad or Shannel. I'll admit, mine did too. This is what drag is all about: drama, glamour and, at the end of the day, entertaining an audience. I felt like this was the most entertaining presentation on the runway.
WORK.
Team Mandora: Mimi Imfurst and Pandora Boxx
"How many muppets had to die!?"
Sigh.
Team Brown Flowers: Tammie Brown and Nina Flowers
"I feel like we're being completely transported into another world."
I was not as in love with this presentation as the judges were. I felt that it looked a little basic, especially if you hold it against Chad and Shannel's looks. Is it just me, or does Nina look a little like a demented Sharon Osbourne?
Once the runway portion is complete, the Queens are subjected to the judges' critique of their main challenge performance:
Team Yarlexis
Team Latrilla
Team Rujubee
Team Shad
Team Mandora
Team Brown Flowers
Teams Latrilla and Rujubee come out on top, with Latrilla taking the top spot. Rujubee's bitterness is palpable. Yara and Alexis are criticized for not understanding the challenge. Brown Flowers is praised, though Nina is called out for blending in too much in their photo. Mandora is ripped a new one for their outfits, photos, and attitude. So, pretty much everything. Shad is accused of also not really getting it, and Shannel in particular is read up and down for her black and white Opposites Attract dress which, you know, uh, yeah.
In the end, Shad and Mandora end up in the bottom two. Chad Michaels and Mimi Imfrust will be lip-syncing for their teams. Chad, of course, lives up to his self-proclaimed "Drag Assassin" status, completely owning the stage whereas Mimi comes off as sweaty, frazzled, and desperate. There was a costume change somewhere in there too or, rather, what Mimi Imfurst considers to be a costume change.
Chad Michaels is declared victorious, and team Mandora is the first to sashay away.
Pandora remains pressed.
Mimi remains Mimi.
All is right with the world... Until next week, that is!
This post has been brought to you by Manila's flawless fashion choices.
All images and gifs sourced from logoTV.com
Catch RuPaul's Drag Race All-Stars, and RuPaul's Drag Race All-Stars: Untucked at logoTV.com!
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